| If i only had a time machine... |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|08:25 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  insane! | ] |
If i had a time machine i would change so much. I hate regrets, and honestly i never thought i had too many of them. However, lately i have realized that i have so many of them.
I regret not keeping my friendships closer. I feel like i have lost all of them. I miss my party friends like cara, fetish dolly, putty, kyle, kevin, foolycooly etc (there are many more) because i knew that i could always count on them to love and except me no matter who i was. And i feel like ... i lost them. I miss all my high school friends like jeffrey, richy, emily, tiffany, kyle, matt etc... we used to be so close, and whats funny is with all my regret whenever i describe jeff to someone i call him my best friend. but i know just as well as he does that we're not.
Dont get me wrong, im not miserable with my life as it is right now... i have a wonderful boyfriedn who i love to death, but i just wish that i spent more time building my friendships instead of building my career. I suppose that is essentially what counts... my career... but i think i could have handled both.
Another thing that has been gettng to me lately is the fact that i need to go see a doctor. I know something is wrong with me.. mentally...however i dont know how the fuck to go about it without feeling so... unaccomplished.. without feeling like less of a person. I cant focus for the life of me, my attention span is less than that of a nats, im easily distracted, and i feel like im going in fucking sane!!!! i just want to feel normal.. (i think this is why i couldnt balance my friendships with my job and school) but i dont want to go to the doctors because how am i going to pay for it? i have insurance but if i put it on my insurance than my parents will know and that cant happen... my parents will look at me as though i were a failure, i cant be that too them; they always laugh at me when i try to bring this up .. they tell me im just seeking attention and that nothing is wrong with me and that im just going through a faze. GRRRRR!!!! i dont know what the fuck to do. If anyone can help me! please! |
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| Well Its about time |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|09:29 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  disappointed | ] |
I figure i might as well start this thing back up, seeing as how myspace took over the world!!! Fucking insanity i tell ya, its like a damn drug - i dont know why!!!
Chris is the new man of my life, we live down in FLA together. Good relationship, but sometimes i feel like he's here just for the ride ya know ? i dont know if this is what he really wants or not. Oh well i guess. Until all goes wrong i might as well be happy and not jump to conclusions right?!
Anyways, i was rummaging through old pictures and stuff today and god how i miss how i used to live life. Partying with all of my friends, getting into stupid shit left and right, dodging the men in blue almost every saturday night. Going to raves with some of the best people i have ever met in my entire life - the culture of a rave is one of its own. Its love, everyone accepting you with all of your differences yet being completely unified, and all that matters is the music and the respect that comes with it. The beat pulses through your veins and your heart starts to sychronize itself with that of the beat. Its complete and utter insanity, but such beautiful insanity it is. I miss it, i miss everything. I am so lonely down here in florida, even with chris - > and i know no one will take those people who i have met along the way's place. :'(
Why do we have to grow up and get old? I miss my fun and exciting life and my fun and exotic friends.
I can already tell this isnt going to work. And its going to be all my annoying fault. The past few days have been nothing but "me being annoying" i suppose i am nothing but an annoying person. I thought i was just being myself. All ive gotten the past few days are words and phrases like "uuuggghhh" and "god you are so fucking annoying" ....
From day one i felt as though i wasnt good enough... im not. I already know it, i knew it, and i will continue not being good enough. |
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| Workin real... REAL hard |
[Nov. 27th, 2004|01:40 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  sympathetic | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "Pride Wire"- Further Seems Forever | ] |
so can i tell you all about this kick ass new job that i have. 10 an hour for doing NOTHING. i sit here at my uncle's storage units and sit here.. .waiting for there to be a "mad dash" to purchase a storage unit. LOL! its fuckign awesome!!! and i only work one day out of the week. sat. 10-4 thats it! i love it!!!!!!! i couldnt have asked for a better job in my entire life!! WOOHOO ... the only other thing i have to do is clean.. but the size of this office is like my room... its easy!!! I have a computer and a CD player and i just get to talk to my friends and jam out! its awesome! i mean its kind of boring... but i get paid to take a nap basically! how cool is that! ICE COLD!!!
tonight i am going out to boston with katie, josh, gareth, and matt o. to see jonothan. His appartment just got robbed.. and that sucks because he had the phattest computer ever and it got stolen plus all his personal shit like bills and school work and credit cards that arent accessed... so it kinda sucks because they had a chance to get insurance and they didnt. I feel kind of bad. Cuz it had to have been someone that has been to their house before, because i mean how could they have known that the appartment on the fourth floor had all that awesome stuff in it.. ya know ??? i mean its completely random..
YAY FOR BOYS-not really thats in total sarcasm |
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| FINALLY!! |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|08:22 am] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  Studious | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "Juneau" Funeral For a Friend | ] |
I finally finished my SDSU college application, today i sent out the fee and my transcrips along with my awesome letter of recomendation from my awesome Psych teacher, Mr. Vossen (whose class i would be in right now) I skipped snowboarding today just to pass in my essay that was due in his class, talk about a dedicated student :) however i didnt really do to well on the essay, i dont think.. it is one of my more poorly written essays.
Last night i couldnt sleep for some reason, nothing was keeping me up but myself. I have way to much shit on my mind right now, and i know i said i would stop thinking but apparently that is impossible for me to do.
Anyways, im going to keep on filling out applications so i will write more later.... wish me luck on getting accepted to SDSU! |
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| And then...... |
[Nov. 18th, 2004|12:46 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  convulsive | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "Sparkle"~ Phish | ] |
I was readin gmy horoscope today, it told me to start putting thought into my actions, to take some alone time and realize the situation. How fucking funny is that! After i just was bitching about how i think about things too much and all it does is resess the situations at hand. Imagine me thinking more ... oh god talk about someone becoming psychodic! Today i kind of have alot to do. its the first time that i will go home and actually have to do school work, thanks to the photo essay i have to write, but its only a 1-3-1 so it will take me like 5 minutes... other than that i have to go to emily and give her her birthday present. Its not much, she loves skittles so i just bought her a shit load of skittles ... ohh and check that ... so did everyong else. Whatever.
I cant wait for this sunday, im going to go snowboarding! WOOHOO ... thank you jeffrey! Im debating on going to the muni this friday too. Cara said that she would be there, and well i havent seen her in ... FOREVER! other than that there is no real reason for me to go, i dont think. I dont know, right now i dont have a job and not having a job equals me being completely and utterly BROKE! thus why emily only got skittles for her birthday! Christmas is going to be fun ... trying to pay for all the things i wish i could get everyone! Im ging to have to go to plato's closet and see if i can return some clothes. I heard that they are really picky though.
~ i hate this time of year. I wish i were a bear so i could just go into hibernation, and get away from the hustle and bustle of the christmas people walking the streets. I am leaving the country if George Bush gets anoggerated late. Nuclear weapons are supposed to be attacking the US, Osama B.L. got permission from someone ( i forgot the fuckin hindu's name) to obtain nuclear weapons and use them against the US. What the fuck is that crazy shit!
i hate our society, our social roles. Why cant i have one social role that i can be for the rest of my life, i dont like being the daughter, or the student, or the confused teenage girl going into adult hood, or the depressed suicidal teenage girl stopping herself from ever reaching adulthood. I wonder when everything is going to fall into place... not just for a period of time, but fall into cement. Everything that is good will stay, and everything that is bad will change. What a wonderful thing that would be. However, luckily i know not to get my hopes up on the irrational thought of everything falling into place permenantly. :*( oh well.
So my mom told me that depression runs highly in my family. Both sides. I just want to scream and yell at her and ask her why she didnt tell me about this earlier! I have a feelin that depression is the reason for everything. Why i put on so many masks, and play so many roles, why i have been feeling isolated from everyone even if i were to be in a crowded room, or why my mind cnt stay focused lately... my attention span has cut its way down to the size of a needle point. Plus i find myself indulging in alone time, and becoming excessivly tired when doing nothing remotely close to strenuous. My doctor, about a year ago, ask me if i was depressed, if i had anything wrong with me .. and if i had ever thought about suicide. I just wanted to be like YES!!! you have no idea!! just the other day i tried drowning myself in the tub, and after new years im going to slit my wrists, digest a bottle of asprin and rinse it down with a liter of vodka.. grey goose to be exact! I even have ideas of becoming a cokehead just to loos weight. Tell me thats not fucked up.... I idolize my anorexic friend because she has so much stregth to stay focused. She is skinny, doing unbelievably well in school with a 4.0, she is a vegan (which takes too much dedication), she has a loving boyfriend, an understanding family, a job that she is commited to... and not once does she quite! I dont know how i would tell my parents that. They would look at me and laugh, they think because i pass school im a normal well rounded child. Spitting image of what they want. They will just think that i am pulling a prank.
I hate paul for leaving the world without his presence, but you know what... i give him respect for having the balls to actually go through with it. I know he is happy.. probably hitting on a hott angel... looking down on all of us, calling us suckers for staying her for so long. Call me fucked up.. i dont care.. i already know that i am. Obviously im just finally fucking admitting to everything!
Why wont they just help me instead of laughing at me.... god i hate parents! i thought they were our guardians to help and guide us... not have us self distruct. all ive been doing is imploding... this is how i explode... by writing..
We were talking about our social roles today in psychology, how there is no time when one is true! or their selves in all actuality.. we all play a role, daughter/son, student/teacher, at work you play a role, when with you friends you play a rold... ect. However i believe that whenever i write, i finally am aloud to express what is true. No roles or things that i would do infront of this or that person, and smile or frown about. Its just me and my journal. I can express whatever i want without having to worry about being confused in the role that i would be playing. I am finally playing me. My pen and paper do not judge me, nor is there a reason to impress with the worry of faliure. I cannot fail. People may not like the way i write, however, i would tell them to stop reading, and plus no one will ever read the real journal. Whatever.. who knows. What roles do you play? do you have a true self. I doubt it. Im not even sure if we know what the hell our true selves are! so why is in our vocabulary... same reason why alien is, or magic.. because we want to believe in the false things. Why do you think i haven't said anything about my fucked up thoughts and desires.... because i want to believe that they are false and that i am really just normal. We want to believe in the false... unfortunately that to detours us from knowing thyself. Fuck transdentalism... there is no oversoul that would complete one. oh well. |
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| WOOHOO BOOHOO |
[Nov. 18th, 2004|08:39 am] |
So tonight i finally get to indulge in my guilty pleasure! :) *evil laugh* thats right, I'm guilty to watching the O.C. Meesha is HOT! okay so that is to be kept a secret.. lol... today is Emily's birthday ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY emily!!
Okay well this is over... hahaha ill write more later when i have another class that we do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in! :) |
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| Oh golly gee.... |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|01:27 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "Flake"- Jack Johnson | ] |
so right now im sitting photography not doing anything, talking to Matheau about the wake tonight for Erics brother Matt. Its sad... ive never had to go through this so many timesi n my entire life. Anyways, besides that Im talking to Joe again, or i should say he is talking to me, FINALLY! the only thing that sucks is we dont know how to be friends, so im not sure if this is going to turn into one of those all or nother things again. I dont want to ruin this friend thing, but its just weird being around him and not kissing him, or having him be like ohh sweety.. i dont know im fuckin retarded! I now i dont want a relationship with him because he doesnt want to move out of Mass, and next year im out of here, and there is NOTHING that is going to hold me back from going there and accomplishing what i want. He just isnt a positive influence, and i really dont need that to drag me down. However i love him in my life, i dont like to loose people who have been a major part of me, and he was for a VERY long time. I dont know anything, i dont even know what i want now a days... this is ridiculous.
Its kind of funny, because i sit back whenever im alone and realize that i cant decide things for shit. I want everything that anyone has to offer, even if it is hate... Im a whiner... its rather annoying actually.
Last night i was going to call Joe, and talk to him about everything. Like what the hell was his problem, why is it such an akward feeling with this friends thing, and why did he all of a sudden start talking to me... theres so much that i want to know but am too chicken to ask and find out. I dont want to ruin this friend thing, and turn it into a conversation where one of us gets hurt. I hate not knowing anything though. I dont even know if he really wants to be my friend, i think he was just sick of hearing from people how i bitched about how gay he was with the whole "no im not going to be in the same building as her, no im not even going to drive on the same road as her, no im never seeing or talking to her again" bullshit that he through out towards me. I would bitch about it constantly. Whatever/....
Im not going to put much thought into anything anymore, this is ridiculous, you would think that if i thought about it i would possibly figure it out. Except its the complete opposite, its making me even less informational about the topic than i was in the first place. Its just making me even more confused. This sucks.... why do i have to be heterosexual. i really wish i could just come to having sex with girls... it would be wonderful.. i think i would be capable of maintaining an awesome relationship in the lesbian world. Maybe... i doubt it. lol.. im a fuckin nut case! lol... whatever...
So here it goes to the end of my brain. Im going to be oblivious to EVERYTHING and only worry about what is nesseccary... that means school, working out, eating right, snowboarding, and friends ..and only friends! Cheers! |
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| White flakes... mmm |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|09:48 pm] |
I love the fact that it snowed this weekend. The only odd thing was i went boarding on fri. and it defintiely did not snow up at the Mt.'s ... which sucked but... whatever i didnt have my goggles anyways. It was kinda of a shitty snowboarding trip, our first run down richy took the biggest shitter ive ever seen anyone take in my life, there was so much blood! the snow was red! It was kinda gross cuz everytime he breathed his nose would bubble with blood... it was like.. eehhh ... So i only got two runs in, cuz on his way down in the toboggen i went back up and took my last run, so i only got two runs in... which stunk. but wahtever, i wasnt about to leave my friend, but at least ray and kissle got a good about of day to go snowboarding.
Anyways this weekend has been quite un-eventful. I babysat my cuzins last night, omg, they just reminded me why im NEVER having children. Sammy, who is in sixth grade was the biggest fucking brat in the entire world, and her sister Liz who is 2, says Suckin Bitch (she cant say F's) and punches you non stop, im glad i wasnt responsible for them (my other cuzin Kasandra was actually babysitting i was helpign) me and bruce had a couple Mudslides, ....
Today i basically slept all day.. lol.. it was okay, i love being lazy sometimes... however i know i should have been completing applications as well as starting my essays and exercising but.... whatever i didnt get any sleep last night because of the fucking brats.... my god it just made me realize that i have the MOST fucked up family in the entire world.
I cant wait to leave this place, and everything behind. Never look back. |
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| Testing testing one two three..... |
[Nov. 10th, 2004|12:03 pm] |
Yeah so i get to go to the GYNO today, i have to have a byopsy done... no not a pap... this is a clipping... they take nail clippers and clip a part of me away to see if i have cancer or not... why you ask. well because they found abnormal cell growth in my pap, so they want to make sure that the cells are abnormal (cancerous) and not just going through regular cell mitosis. YIPPIE! i hope i do have cancer and die... that would be kind of kewl. Im sure im not the only one who thinks that.
Anyways... I was looking in the mirror last night... and HOLY SHIT! I am fucking disgusting! i cant even take it... if i could have found one thing that could cut through my skin, i seriously would have tried to cut away all the un-nesseccery parts of my body....
I had to interview taryn last night about her anorexia... i give her so much credit for having that much will power... i dont have that stregth... i dont even have the strength to maintain a diet... thats fucking ridiculous...Im just that fucking pathetic. |
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| L-O-S-E-R |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|05:43 pm] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "The girl in the green jacket" | ] |
God im such a loser!!!! no one likes to talk to me anymore, so i will just talk to you, my forgotten journal. <yeah im that cheezy.
It was funny, i was looking at deviant art the other day and i found this photographer that i was amazed by. Her style just... took me back, and its really hard to find a photographer these days that can dipict sorrow in a lightening voice, and make it so beautiful. Anyways, i e-mailed her telling her of my interest and asking her if she would like an extra model (after all i wouldnt mind using some of her photographs for my portfolio) anyways she wrote me back saying of course, she thinks i would be perfect ... but she lives in australia. How HORRIBLE is that!!! well not for her, but for me anyways! So ... yeah im shit out of luck.
I need to get my fat ass into shape... i really didnt care at first, but then i started looking at all these nudey pictures of maddie, and watching movies and stuff, and yeah ... i need to stop shoveling my face with food. lol. I cant wait to snowboard again, i get so inshape during the winter. Me and my dad are going to go swim some laps everynight, once i get a bathingsuit.
It amazes me how intelligent i can be at points, but the intellectual side of me, no one likes. The side that thinks, and processes information and formulates opinions... yeah that side is apparently looked at as "me being high" but the side that just goes... ohh god fuck ... shit cocksucker... ohh screw that... nahh... blah blah blah.. is loved by everyone. The flipped back hair and little giggles... it makes me sick sometimes, but i throw on that beautifully ugly mask and act out my part in society.
This is a crazy world when a women shows signs of a brain. < maybe thats why i can never keep a guy in my life. Their testosterone levels are far to high to realize that they arent the superior sex anymore.
Brooks Institute of Photography sent me everything i needed to get my next fall classes going. It works out perfect because they have a campus in Ventura CA .. this means that i dont have to drive all the way from Oceanside to Santa Barbara... i can just go to the next town over Ventura. SWEET. Well its not confirmed that i am going there, but i have an interveiw next thursday ... so .. im pretty excited! |
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| Maybe i do deserve this |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|04:25 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| | surprised | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "Every Reason To" From Autumn To Ashes | ] |
Okay so maybe i do deserve this. nothing .
"I thought about the end today
The final chapter
The last scene
Ending what is here and what is now
And all there is to come.
No hope for tomorrow, for today
Through all this talk, on how numb.
There's one just out of reach.
On how numb, and you bet it shows, you bet it shows
Shake downs like these get old,
And you bet it shows, you bet it shows
In your eyes I can see
Tomorrow out of reach.
This is detachment
In your eyes I can see
Tomorrow beyond me"
I mean honestly i have been thinking that things were wrong for a while. But i didnt really think that it would go unspoken, until it was too late. I dont know, maybe this will force me to have better communication skills in my next relationship. Next relationship?? lol.. now i realize why i didnt have one for so long... i am just better off single.. i think i just like secretly expect to much, to much effection, but at the same time i just so selfish too. I cant give up going to california for someone. This is what ive wanted to do since the first day i left there. I mean i dont know, but i think its a pretty good quality that im so driven, at least im not going to fucking spend all that persons money and do nothing and be a lazy fuck all my life.
Ey... i dont know... maybe me being single is better, i dont have to worry about what i do now, if he will get mad at me, and i dont have to impress anyone, i mean.. yeah this can be a good thing.
^ theres me trying to look at the good side of things...
after all... "The ONLY people you need in your life are the people that prove they need you in theirs......" The funny thing about that quote... is i never really thought i NEEDED someone in my life. I remember i wrote a letter to you on the ferry ride home from NY, i still have it (thats how much of a loser i am) and it said something like "all i know, is that you are the best influence in my life, you are actually doing something with your life, rather than just sitting around and being a young adult. I dont know if you want me in your life, but i know i wouldnt complain, and i know i want you in mine.. even if it is just as a friend" I kind of knew from the beginning that this wasnt going to work.. i got told by a million people it wasnt, i got told i didnt deserve you, i got told you didnt deserve me,... but.. you know what .. im very stubborn.
It just kills me though,... because i know.. just as well as you do.. that this is IT. nothing more, and much much less...
i guess all i can say is... i hope you had fun while it lasted. |
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| Subject to change |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|01:43 pm] |
I dont even know what to do anymore. Its like, first you come back and you want to hang out with your friends and all and yeah that upset me and whatever, but i got to realize that you havent been able to see your friends either, so i was like okay well thats kewl we can both do our own thing ya know. Then you say that you are sorry because you havent been spending enough time with me and yadda yadda yadda.. well that was kewl too, but its like now you are complaining about not seeing me enough, so we i go to ask you if you want to do something.. and you are like well there is nothing to do.. blah blah blah... we dont have to fucking do something.. i mean.. you are accusing me of losing interest.. well maybe you are too and you are just scared to admit it. Call me crazy but whatever.... Maybe you were right when you questioned all this at first.. I mean when you told me the other night "well maybe this relationship just isnt what i expected it to be" i mean youre right... its not. But i dont really know what you mean by that. you say that you mean nothing.. but to me that doesnt seem like 'nothing'. You are obviously trying to say something with that statement... do you want more.. less... what did you think it was going to be? Its like i try to talk to you but you just say... aight... and yeah... but yet you are telling me that there is a lack of communication.. im so confused right now.. and honestly im not to sure if i care all that much.
yes i admmitted to not putting in as much effort as i probably should have... but why should i ... last relationship i was in i got fucked, i dont expect to put my life on hold for someone, and its like... no matter how hard i try and delete my options down to only a few, it seems like all of them are the wrong ones...
maybe i just have to many expectations i want you to fullfill... |
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| Who the hell do you think YOU are? |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|11:16 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  battered with emotion | ] |
Well i know i wouldnt be on americas 10 hottest peoples list! but whatever, i dont care! I know ill be alot further in life then you (you shall remain nameless due to legal issues) ever will be! It just really pisses me off that she had the balls to, basically, tell me that i shouldnt have what i have. i am very thankful for what i have in my life, and who is she to decide if i should or shouldnt be with him. WTF! Ugh it pist me off soo bad today.
The weird thing was this morning i woke up to the WORSTE dream ever. Its funny now that i think about how upset i got over it, but it wasnt at the time, it really got me thinking. It was weird, i was at the big E with Craig, and he got handed a pamphlet of girls names, and he starts laughing and tells me that he has done basically every other girl on the list.. i was like WHAT! what was scary was i didnt say anything, which is something i would do in real life. Anyways, so we keep walking and we see my friend Katie Elliott, and i say hi how are you and all that other gun conversation starting shit, and she looks at Craig and does this weird pelvic thrust thing, and winks at him.. apparently the two have already met (but in real life they have never met before).. so i woke up all heated, and in a mad mood, cuz its monday.. mondays are never fun. Anyways, the day got better once i got my psych/soc paper back, i got a 95 on it, which is the highest grade in the class, and my teacher, Vossen, tells me "jewls you really got a nack for this kind of stuff you know" that right there was JUST what i wanted to hear, what i needed to hear, because i really am so interested in this class, and this field of study. Then it got shitty because "her" told me that Craig should be with a tall skinny blonde, and what like "wow he must not care about all that stuff" because i told her how awesome it was that he doesnt push anything, and how he isnt superficial and i dont know how happy he makes me, and she totally knocked me off my horse!
Then later today Craig found out that he has to go back to New York, which totally blows because i have like a 4 day weekend this weekend, and well he isnt going to be here.. and then he got all upset about going back there, and i felt like shit because he was in a bad mood, and i dont know... its aggrivated when you cant be the relief. ya know? And he didnt want to leave his house at all, but then he changed his mind and we ... did nothing at justine's ... she leaves for cancun tomorrow, lucky bitch, and i wanted to say bye to her.
anyways... that was my day....
wait... i think its getting better as im typing....... ohh god... |
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| So quick to be called cute |
[Sep. 24th, 2004|11:52 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  quirky | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | Taking Back Sunday "A decade under the influence" | ] |
And that ^ right there ^ is the handsomest man in all america.... why... because he's MINE!!! woohoo... i feel like i just won the lottery. LOL. </p>
anyways i just wanted to show everyone who he was.. yes.. thats right.
Its funny tho because, usually whenever im taken, ill stay quiet about it, like i wont flaunt the fact that oohh yeah this is my boyfriend, but for some strange reason i love telling everyone that HE is MINE. it's awesome! Hahaha, my grandmother embarrassed the SHIT out of me the other day. I went to my moms work, where my mother, my aunt and my grandmother all work, and i brought craig with me, well when he walks in, my grandma goes, ohh do you have bedroom eyes. Craig, not knowing what she ment, goes "ohh yeah i just woke up and my allergies" of course us ladies all start laughing because of the fact that he was so oblivious to the true meaning of it all, and then he finally gets it and does the " oh. ooohhhhh !" kind of thing. But still, whose grandmother hits on your boyfriend??? ohh soo weird!
I cant wait until he comes home for good, well for two months anyways. It sucks having him all the way down in NY right now, i miss him (even though he was just up here not even two days ago). It's kind of a childish relationship however. It's hard to explain, i dont understand it, im not sure if he understands what a relationship takes, and all the emotions that go into it, either that or he just doenst want a relationship like that, i dont know... obviously there is need for a serious talk, but its just so weird.. i dont know if by being emotional, it will push him away, because that is the LAST thing that i want to do. |
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| What a birthday present |
[Sep. 18th, 2004|07:06 pm] |
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SO yeah... i went out to boston last night partied it up with the woo master, and thanks to his noisy friend james, i am taken. James asked him a set of interesting questions which broke the ice to our conversation which set the foundation to us. IT WAS MARVALOUS! ill talk more about it later |
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| BLAH |
[Jul. 3rd, 2004|12:40 pm] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| | alone | ] |
| [ | tuned into: |
| | "the horizon has been defeated"-Jack johnson | ] |
so its saturday, the 3rd. Im looking at flight tickets ... booking my flight out to Cali. Finally i get to out and be free. My rents are sending me on my own. Im so totally psyched its not even funny! but in a way i am scared to death too. I dont know where im going to stay, i dont know how im going to get here from there. Its all a bunch of confusion, but in a way i dont care. It will be an expeirence that i will remember... fending for myself.
Anyways, theres a big party tonight out in NY, and i am supposed to be going, but i cant get a hold of anyone!! So as of right now it doesnt look to good for me and the party. Oh well. Its not like me not being there will hurt the party any... lol... But it would be nice to see all the beautiful people that i miss.
Me and dallas were talking the other day, i needed reassurance... knowing that me quiting my job was the right thing to do. So now i have soooo much free time on my hands. its goin to be weird not having a steady income. My boss cracks me up... well my ex-boss. I knew she didnt believe me when i gave her my two weeks, so i left her a note to remind her not to put me on next weeks schedule, well she called me up this morning and she says "dont bother coming in to work to finish the schedule". i dont understand? but i dont care either. She freaked out when i gave her my two weeks, she didnt want me to leave her. "she need me" she would say every ten seconds. well apparently she doesnt .. so.. its her loss .. whatever.
I hung out with jeff the other day. Which was very nice. I missed him. It was nice to have that person to talk to again, ya know? Ive just been so busy that i havent had time to sit down and talk to my friends, which makes you feel kind of empty. So seeing him, and having him there, was good, it was a good reminder for me to know that i am still alive, and so was he. But i cant believe he is leaving me in aug. He wont even be here for my graduation. :'( I suppose people really do move on.
Its crazy to think that in the past five years i have been with the same 4 best friends... and now all of a sudden everyone and everything is breaking away. The normal clique isnt so normal.... its all so foreign now. People cant hang out because of other people being there and not wanting them here or there, and its just all so ridiculous. I hate it. I miss everything. But i know you cannot live in the past. Monson isnt the greatest place to live, it doesnt have the greatest people living in it. But i will admit. That i have gotten to experience alot in this little hick town. Ive loved here, ive lost here, ive grown here. And now everything is leaving me. Jeff is going off to the coast guard, Justine and Jeremy live in their own house, Teresa and Cara are moving into a house, then teresa is going to seattle, cara is going back to south carolina... and me. Well ... ill be somewheres.
I look at my parents, and wonder how they do it. They have made so many life long friends it amazes me. People all over the world remember my dad and mom, welcoming them with open arms, just as they do to them. But they sit at home, alone all day long. I dont want that. I hate being alone. I hate sitting down and not doing a damn thing. I can sit down and do nothing, but not alone. Well, i suppose they arent alone, they do have eachother.
Happy fourth you all. |
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| Monday monday - monday? |
[Jun. 21st, 2004|09:16 am] |
Its monday.... and its our last day of school. Who the hell makes monday the last day? Seriously.. and its a half day. WHY~!!!! why am i in school?? why didnt i just skip you ask... because i HAVE to be here... i was supposed to go to the beach but of course plans fell through. But right after school around 10:30 or so i am heading out to NorthHampton which is really fun.. i have to pick up my paycheck from my brother and then tomorrow i get paid also... ooooohhh that is fun!
But yeah check this... okay so my boss, Minh, says to be yesterday that i HAVE to bring her to the dentist on tuesday. What the fuck? Am i a taxi... no. This means i have to drive all the way out to holyoke, pick her up, drive to springfield, wait a half hour until she is done, then drive all the way back to holyoke, drive home, and then head out to hartford to go talk to my agency.... what the HELL is that all about? Seriously!
Saturday night was NOT fun. But i got to see jeff which really made me happy, i havent gotten to see much of him lately... So seeing him was alot of fun. But other than that, it wasnt fun. Ryan, im not sure what is up with him; the whole night he is acting as if he wants to get back with me, like he actually cares, and he is trying to make everything pan out. Then i get a phone call from shannon swift (not fitz) saying that she made out with him that night... and i confronted him, but in his eyes "nothing happened" and then i walked in on him and my friend nicole basically raping eachother. I just dont care anymore. I think i should just fuckin give up on guys because NOTHING seems to be working. I go in thinking, dont let your gaurd down .. hes a guy .. hes an asshole, of course he is going to hurt you who doesnt, and then they are always like.. im not going to do that blah blah blah and then start to make me think that i was wrong about them, or guys in general... but nope.. they go and prove me right once more! I just know... I AM ALWAYS RIGHT! no one will ever prove me wrong,,, because they are boys!
I am trying to make plans to go out to california some time late july, but i dont know when. I need to figure out the sleeping and getting here to there situations first.... Its about fuckin time i head out there.... the onlything is is i know my boss's wont be to happy about me taking like a week to two weeks off. but i dont care... i need to get away from this hell hole and everyone in it. its like all of a sudden everyone just loves to dick over jewly. This is horrible. I know this is kind of supersticious but.. I had the worste New Years possible, and it just seems like because of that my year is going to be the worste possible!
AAAHHH somebody please come save me!!!! |
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| Romeo romeo where for art thou romeo? |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|11:14 am] |
Sometimes i wonder what drives men. It really is like a whole new world to me. Joe for instance is back from california and all of a sudden loving to spend time with me?? weird. I have to take him to the airport today. Its kind of sad.. ive gotten used to him being around these past two weeks. Its nice to have a friend. Finally we became friends... lol.. long story.
Craig is in NY for school, kind of on co-op stuff i guess. Im finally talking to him. I mean we were friends, but never really like buddy friends ya know? until he left and now he calls me like everyday. Its kind of fun, because i know if i ever go downt to NY for a party i have a place to stay the night.
My grandfather is in the hospital, his heart isnt doing to well. I dont know what to do. He has lived next to me for 5 years and yet. I barely even know him. Im a horrible granddaughter. I feel like shit, like i should have went over as much as possible, like i should have paid more attention to him instead of my friends.
I have three finals due in two days and i have not done ONE. not one. Thats horrible. I think im failing arts and crafts? WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!!!! ??? I dont know. I got some kewl pictures back... ill post them later, they are a bit disturbing. But .. ya know how it goes.
Oh- and arsen i have this absolutely hystarical one of you that you will just love! |
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| On and On |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|11:05 am] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  searching | ] |
"Heal and grow and recreate, raise and nurture in times like these... and times like those, what will be will be... and so it goes, and it goes on and on and on and on it goes.. mmhmmmhmmm"
It amazes me how no matter what situation and heartache, pain, or strife- and even how much happiness- will lingure in your life. This keep going. Time still ticks. and People still move there feet heading forward.
"Things can go bad, and make you want to run away, but as we grow older, the horizon begins to fade"
But as time goes by, the less chances that we get,... our feet became worn out, and our knees start to get stiff. Our minds grow weak, and our misery catches up to us.
"puzzle pieces in the ground, but no one ever seems to be digging. Instead there looking up towards the heavens with their eyes on the heavens there are shadows on the way to the heavens mmhhmm.. its enough to make me cry. but that dont seem like it would make it feel better"
I wonder how deep we really can dig. Sometimes this world just seems so faux. Everything. We try to become plyable .. to change our shapes, which changes our minds. which makes us into someone else whom we are not. Forgetting ourselves and our morals. Can we digg inside of others. find the rich oil's underneath. Not many people have taken the time out to find their oil well, is that why we are not happy.
This world confuses me. You confuse me. I confuse myself.
Well based on your smile
I'm betting all of this
Might be over soon
But your bound to win
Cause if I'm betting against you
I think I'd rather lose
But this is all that I have
So please
Take what's left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little
So please
Mend your broken heart and leave
I know it's not your style
I can tell by the way that you move
It's real, real soon
But I'm on your side
And I don't want to be your regret
I'd rather be your cocoon
But this is all that you have
So please
Let me take what's left of your heart and I will use
I swear I'll use only what I need
I know you only have so little
So please
Let me mend my broken heart and
You said this was all you had
And it's all I need
But blah blah blah
Because it fell apart and
I guess it's all you knew
And all I have
But now we have
Only confused hearts and
I guess all we have
Is really all we need
So please
Let's take these broken hearts and use
Let's use only what we really need
You know we only have so little
So please
Take these broken hearts and leave |
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| I'm feelin' hot Hot HOT! |
[Jun. 8th, 2004|10:58 am] |
| [ | feelin' it: |
| |  hot | ] |
ay... i'm so tired right now its not even funny.
Yesterday at work this big fat new kid named nick worked with me and left... just up and left at 7 ... he was supposed to close with me at 9:30. And he just LEFT?? what an ass. He stole 40 $ from my boss last week. I hope he didnt run off with any money. that would just be not kewl. I start work for my brother on monday... i cant wait .. 10 bucks an hour is what im talking about. The other annoying thing is that im tellamarketing so ... And we have to call out to the boston area. I wonder what a good fake name to use over the phone is.... im thinking Luna.... or Aurora ....
Ive been thinking alot... alot about what i am going to do once i get out of this shit hole! I have no idea.. i dont see myself past the age of 20. I cant picture anything... and i usually can.
It sucks... i miss how things used to be... last year that is. I miss always being with justine and jeff, and even riley's over exaggerated stories. I went to bryan darts grad. party on saturday.. it was comical. I was way to stoned to realize what i was doing. Amanda pointed that out for me infront of ryan and shannon... ohh it was great. I saw jeffrey there which made me oober happy. I miss him.. him and his gay war hammer, and paintball, and "I know it all" attitude even tho you can tell in his face he has no clue...
Its like i have no friends anymore... I go to school, and then to work.. everyday.. i miss phonecalls that could last for hours... even until 3 in the morning. This is weird.. I hate looking back.
"today is a beautiful day for someone to die" |
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